Relationships Communications and Sex
A therapist’s point of view with a female heterosexual perspective.
by Gill Sanders
In 2008 are we looking at relationships to solve all our problems. Do we as women think that, once we have our man, money/sex/loneliness/baby issues are going to go away? Do we load our relationships with high expectations. Unrealistic expectations? Do we want control and desire possession of our partner's life?
Often women exist in fantasy for a large part of their waking life. Are we women in this century financially independent but emotionally frail and needy of a partner.
Does having sex straightaway or on the ‘third date’ help or harm relationships? For most women having sex creates a vulnerability and a longing for more and more togetherness. For most men sex does not necessarily mean the start of a relationship. For most women sex signifies the start of ‘something’ even if it is only in fantasy.
Perhaps Bridget Jones was a blessing for men and an unwanted exploration into the Female psyche and our vulnerabilities. Our neuroses could be equally exploited and/or ‘rescued’. Either way we were objectified and the focus was taken away from us taking responsibility for ourselves.
It seems to me that, when in a relationship, women tend to lose sight of themselves. Women tend to focus on the relationship and their partner and get resentful if their partner does not do the same. The result is that the relationship becomes dysfunctional as both partners sit on unexpressed rage and resentments.
Often, and I will get shot for this, a man will enter into the relationship being very nice indeed and will bend over backwards to cater for all his partner’s needs and wants. This kind of man will often use silence and become withdrawn rather than get drawn into confrontation. Communication stops. And so does sex.
In my practice as a psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist I see many silent men. The pattern of relationships that come to me is a critical female partner, because very often she is highly critical of herself, and a silent man who finds it difficult to express himself because he is highly critical of himself. Matching narcissistic wounds, which we find so often in a partnership.
Communication is the powerhouse of functional relationships. It is not about being listened to. It is about telling your own truth and finding your voice. Good relationships are about standing your ground and standing up for yourself.
A good relationship is not about possession or doing everything together. There is nothing sexy about shadowing another’s life. Perhaps that is a subject to be raised in therapy. Room to move. To go to the football. To go to the pub. Different interests are as important as shared projects.
Does couple counselling work? Yes, if both partners have goodwill towards one another and a willingness to look at their own part in the couple dynamic.
My job is to disseminate the gender roles and find a cohesive way of putting them back together. Communication and sex are the keys.
by Gill Sanders