From the Armed Forces to Counselling
By Paul Mallott BA (Hons) Counselling Dip CBTPaul Mallott offers Counselling, Psychotherapy | Securely Book Online | Contact Me
My experience of Medical discharge from the Armed Forces, becoming a counsellor, and providing telephone counselling and online counselling.
Having joined the Forces from leaving School, I spent the majority of my youth serving both at home in the United Kingdom as well as many tours overseas. During my service I met my wife, and we had four children.
The longest time we spent at any location was 2 years, we moved frequently. However all the family adapted very quickly, especially when it came to the art of packing and the children settling into new Schools etc.
The Forces were our lives; we made good friends, we never once even thought of a life outside in civilian life, the job was secure for the length of time I had signed on, all in all it was nice to have the security. Three times during my career we were posted and lived overseas in Europe, during that time we took full advantage of the cheap goods on offer such as duty free cars, furniture etc, and the higher wages for living abroad was an added bonus. Having been used to everything from free medical, dental facilities, and the fact housing was also provided, we never thought of saving or buying a house for the future, the house was never a concern, as we moved frequently.
The money I earned never seemed to go far enough, we accumulated a little debt, as did everybody else, from visa cards to store cards, but never worried, because always knew that I was guaranteed my wages at the end of every month. Like any job, the work had its ups and downs, often required to work long hours, and also on occasions being separated from the family, but all this was accepted as the nature of the occupation I chose, and my wife was aware of the life, she knew what she was marrying into.
In later years, I seemed to spend more and more time away from the family on detachments, due to the various commitments of the Armed Forces throughout the world, and the conflicts, one year in particular, I remember being away 9 months of the year, which in today’s current climate is probably not so unusual. It was hard being away from the family, but I had it easier than my wife, she had to cope on her own with four young children. Not being able to drive made things all that bit harder for her whilst I was away, shopping, taking the children to School etc. Unfortunately the sections I worked in, were unable to provide help for the families, as they often only had a skeleton shift left behind to deal with administration and mail, all dependants were in the same situation, the help was simply not available. My wife however, as with a lot of all the other wives, coped, just accepted the situation and got on with it. However for some wives there was another choice, which was to say “I’ve had enough” and we witnessed a few of our friends sending their children to Boarding School, and them splitting up, later getting divorced. Our relationship “Thank God” was strong enough to cope, as we later found, this would be paramount in view of what was to come.
In the 14th year of service, I began to suffer pain in my lower back; this pain would radiate down my left leg and leave me incapacitated, often for days. I would see the Medical Officer, be given “Bruffen” tablets, week off work, after this time with complete rest, I often would recover. These episodes of back pain were in frequent, sometimes twice or three times a year at most, when I would feel a twinge, I would take a couple of days holiday to rest, so not to aggravate the pain and the episode would quickly pass, for a further 3 years, this approach worked. Unfortunately possibly due to my age, the job I did, I began to experience more frequent, severe longer lasting, incapacitating episodes.
Finally realising the back would not cure itself, I decided further in depth investigation was required; um this was my first mistake. I put myself in the hands of the Forces Medical profession. I will not go into all the ins and outs, as it is such a long story, but initial scans showed two slipped discs in my lower back, with another higher up also showing signs of damage. Between work and attending Hospital for several operations, a further 2 years later, rather than get better, I got worse.
I remember going to see my Doctor for a routine appointment, he informed me of a further appointment to attend a Medical Board, this was nothing to be concerned about, It was only a routine appointment to have my medical fitness reviewed and further medical leave granted. This was so that I was able to attend what was hopefully to be my last operation to cure my condition, “A three stage spinal fusion”. Attending the board, I was examined, after which told to wait. Ten minutes past, then another Doctor called me into his Office, within what seemed liked seconds, he informed me “ We have no choice but to give you a Medical Discharge”. “Bomb, Shell”. I wont tell you, what happened next, or what my reply was. Simply, I returned home, informed my wife. We were both devastated, after 19 years of service; this is what it had come too. One afternoon, and the opinion of one person, who was not even a spinal specialist, I was gutted, and remember saying to my wife; “It was certainly easier to get out, than to join all those years ago”.
After previous operations I remember having mixed feelings, I felt my body was violated in some way; this caused me great stress along with the extreme pain after the operation, until I recovered. Later going back to work afterwards in constant pain, I used to think, I’ve had the operation, why am I still in pain? Is it in my head? Or is it real? Looking back, it would have been nice to have, had the luxury of a counsellor to talk too. I suffered a lot of mixed emotions, sleep less nights, the pressure and stress I was under was great. Unfortunately no such therapy was offered; in fact I don’t think it was even available in the Armed Forces at that time.
The following months proved to be even more stressful, I had the prospect of another operation, my chances of being pain free were slim at best, the odds of the operation being a success were only 20 percent, along with the fact, I was soon to be out of work, maybe left permanently unable to work, a young family, no home for them, how on earth would we manage, what would we do?
In the coming months I was placed under control of the Forces Management Team, rather than receive help and advice, they only seemed to be interested in, getting my uniforms and kit back, and me completing the discharge paperwork. When it came time to collect my uniforms, I distinctly remember two members of the management team turning up one day for my uniforms, they also had the required paperwork for discharge, and my campaign medals in a brown envelope. I had to laugh, after 19 years, how much uniform did they think I had? The car they brought certainly was not big enough! Ha Ha. Oh well it took them all of twenty minutes to sort out my administration, however they had to make two trips in order to take everything away. Did I keep anything? Only what I had to pay for myself.
After all of this, my wife whom normally was placid and had a quiet mannerism, gave them a piece of her mind, she was unhappy in their clinical approach, having always remained the rock in our marriage, the quieter of the two of us, and to be honest, without her continued support and my children, I would never have managed. Her sticking up for me and giving them a piece of her mind, came as a shock, a pleasant one at that, she was not so quiet after all!
Not all doom and gloom however, I soon began to realise that if I were a civilian, things may have been worse, at least I was in a better position than most, I would and did get a pension, along with a cash lump sum, not as much as my wage in the Forces, but along with applying for disability benefits and my wife going back to work, we would and did manage.
I applied to many councils and housing agencies, but found we could not get a house, this was due to the fact we had not lived in the counties long enough, and were not eligible, but using all my lump sum, selling the car it was enough for a deposit for our own house. My wife was able to find work and after much searching we finally secured a mortgage, so that was at least a roof over our heads.
It was not long before credit card companies etc were on my back, phone calls, letters, and like anybody else, I just buried my head in the sand, hoping it would go away. Yes, you, guessed it, they did not go away. One thing I quickly learned was to pick up the phone and talk to them, and arrangement can always be sorted out, so long as you stick to whatever future payments you agree with them. If I had listened to advice and declared bankruptcy or IVA it would have caused even more problems, as at the end of the day, we weren’t talking thousands. So at this point, it was bad advice, and I recommend to always, look at the alternatives first.
I searched the Internet and phoned many agencies to see what disability benefits I could apply for, as nobody gave me any help or information in this area, so I had to find it all out for myself. This proved to be a nightmare, as soon as you apply for one benefit, you find another which pays a higher rate, so you apply for that one, only to find the initial benefit payments are cancelled, while new one is being processed, it never said that in the small print. Then after all the medical examinations in the Forces and the operations, there are still yet further medicals for the benefits you apply for.
All of this as I said, I had to find out for myself, It would have been far more beneficial, and would have made my transition to civilian life easier, had this been part of my release from the Forces, whereby benefits should have been applied for prior to being discharged, and not after. This would have resulted in less stress being caused, with the possibility of receiving advice on benefits, help filling out applications etc. Would have been of great benefit to myself.
I wonder why to this day why Forces personnel, at that time were not dedicated to this task, and hope with the current status of commitments of our Armed Forces, that the situation has changed, and that help is now available to the injured and those deemed as being medically unfit for further service. If not it is certainly an area in which I had gained much experience, and am happy to offer my help in this area to anyone who needs it.
My final operation did not go as well as hoped, I was left with more problems, the main one being scar tissue formed from all previous surgical interventions, had resulted in causing nerve root problems, along with other complications. Left with a disability and unable to work, I became a house dad.
I could not use my degree or other qualifications, I attained in the Forces to any effective use in civilian life, as my motability is limited and the whole reason for me being discharged, was because I was unable to function effectively in my job anymore. At this juncture I had absolutely no idea of what my next career or job was going to be. Unfortunately neither did the Forces, as I received no help, guidance or re-settlement, to train for another occupation, yet before when you complete your normal terms of service, you are entitled to attend resettlement courses, also apply for a grant to pay for these, yet when medically discharged it is not offered, or is it?
Once discharged the following years saw me being at home, looked after by my family. However I actually began to see how fortunate I was, and also I was not feeling so bitter about my discharge, at the end of the day the Forces provided me with a good life, I took away a lot, it gave me confidence, determination, and installed in me to never give up, plus even though I left, I still kept me friends, finally if I had never of joined, I may not have met my wife and had a family, so when I reflect I actually had a lot to be grateful for. Being discharged enabled me to be at home, watch my children grow up, attend School plays, watch my boys play football, help the children with homework, and spend quality time with my wife, most of which I found I had missed out on in the Forces, however I soon found this routine was mainly in the evenings.
During the day on my own proved to be the most difficult, once the children were at School and my wife at work, the boredom kicked in. I tried hobbies but none seemed to fill the void, I had gone from being very active, seeing lots of workmates during the day, talking to people, working often long hours etc, to almost total isolation, I missed the Forces life and apart from the family, I really had nothing of any interest or goals to aspire too anymore. At the moment all I had to look forward too were regular visits to a pain management clinic, physiotherapy, doctor etc. much prescribed medication for the management of the pain, I spent a lot of time sleeping or being drowsy, I found mood swings to be constant. I often remember taking time out, and looking at myself, self-criticising, but it was all as if I was living a dream, one in which I could not seem to wake up from. How I ever managed to keep my sanity was a mystery, now I look back.
I had never read or picked up a book to read since I was at School, well not a proper book, although I read much in the way of manuals in the Forces, that was different, and the learning within the Forces was expected of you, if you wanted to progress with your career. Suddenly I found myself researching many distance learning, opportunities, and courses available, to further develop myself, this I did for myself, no one prompting me, nor was it to further myself, as I really still had no idea of what to do with myself, it was simply a method I found to keep busy. Even though I had a disability, it did not make me useless, just because my body did not want to play anymore, I still had my mind, and it was important to me, to stay active in some way.
The Forces, had prepared me to deal with many life crises, be adaptable, determined and not give up easily, another area in which it had helped me, though I was unaware at the time, was such that personnel would have to come to me, to discuss there issues, from finances to even relationship problems. I would listen to what was said, and with them set “Goals” and point out to them, the options available.
Friends, colleagues always seemed to come to me for advice and help, they valued my opinion. In many ways this had laid the corner stones of a foundation, for a future career in my life.
“I had acted in the position of a counsellor without even knowing it”.
The realism of this came to me just out of blue. My wife was reading a newspaper, and came upon an article asking for voluntary help in counselling, she felt this would be rewarding, with a lot of satisfaction attached, and so responded to the advert. It was a long process, but she was accepted. After much training, residential weekends, I often gave her support with her work, and found myself being drawn in, and fascinated with all that counselling had to offer. My wife reminded me, it was not dissimilar from occasions, and situations, I had to deal with, whilst in the Forces, “The penny dropped”.
This set in motion the realisation that finally there was something, with my disability I could do. I could learn much from home, had plenty of time to study, and this filled the void of my daytimes spent on my own, yet in the evenings, I was still available for the family. So I researched the qualifications I would require, there were not too many courses available which would suit my needs, especially those that had counselling accreditation, but with a lot of research, I finally found the degree for me. Finding this degree seemed easy, when compared to meeting the cost, again not a lot of help available at that time, however that help is readily available know, through Student Loan Company and Local Education Authorities.
I would not give up, determined to get the qualifications I required, it was just a matter of tightening the purse strings for as long as it took to save, at this point giving up smoking really helped, I would put what I spent on cigarettes in a tin, the tin was a chocolate drink tin, I put a small slit in the lid and glued the top, so that I could not open it. It took a while; in the end there was enough along with other savings.
After the completion of my degree, I found an appetite for learning, and completed further Diploma courses in counselling, and at the same time counselling to gain the experience I needed, whiles also applying to the various counselling Institutions for accreditation, not to mention building up a substantive library of counselling, psychotherapy related books. Well this is where I find myself today, a qualified counsellor.
Counselling itself is a vast area, encompassing many techniques, and a variety of different types of counsellors, Pastoral counsellors, to life coaches offering advice. I decided that after all I had been through, with my career in the Forces, disability etc, I would like to offer my help to clients in situations similar to what I had experienced, ones whom were struggling with a disability, lacked mobility, or for one reason or another, would like to seek the help of a counsellor, but are unable to do so. With this in mind, and technological advances, counselling may be brought to the client, by means of the telephone and Internet, in whatever location the client maybe.
This being the case, I decided to specialize in these areas, whilst also offering the occasional one to one counselling within my local area.
My approach to counselling is not to give advice, yet I may add, there are some counsellors who do. I listen which is the main skill for any counsellor, obtain the Story, “Gerard Egan’s Skilled Helper Model”.
Empathy, put oneself in another shoes, yet be able to return to the here and now, “Carl Rogers 1978”.
Ask “Open” questions, set “Goals” which are realistic and achievable, not being judgemental, these are just some of the skills I have further developed and use in order to be an effective counsellor.
Much literature has been published, on how the above skills are not effective for telephone or Internet counselling, as many counsellors rely on body language, and the mannerisms of the clients, to pick up on the issues they present. Using the telephone, Internet, the skills of observation obviously cannot be used. I quite agree with this philosophy, but these skills may be adapted.
Instead of looking, learn to replace what you cannot see, by using your other sense of hearing. In one to one counselling you have to “observe” and “Listen”. Telephone counselling you have to “Listen”. Although you cannot see the client, you can hear changes in tone of voice, hear when a client is upset etc. So this approach to counselling, I feel may be just as effective, but like all counselling, it is not a quick fix, and a number of telephone sessions required are dependant on the issues presented
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This article was written by RSCPP Therapist Paul Mallott:
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